jwah

Well it's the end of my 4 day weekend and it's been quite the hectic one. I finally got moved into my new house and my room seems a little bigger than my old one, so that's pretty cool. I'm going to take some pictures of it soon and I'll be sure to post them =P. I'm so happy that all of this is over. I can finally relax and just focus on school for the rest of the year. No more moving, no more trips to chatanooga (hopefully) and now I just have school and work. It's gonna be a good rest of the year, especially since fall is just around the corner!

Alright...I don't care anymore, IM GOING TO THE GEORGIA AQUARIUM. I don't know when, but it will be soon...if you want to come, then ask. If no one wants to come with me than I will go alone because I want to see those little penguins oh so badly!

I've been through many things before and haven't gotten stressed out. Heck, I go through school without being stressed. It's like I reject it from my life, I look at stress in the face and say, no and it runs. I thought I had everything figured out, I thought I could do this, could live a life not affected by stress. This month has been the very odd, and very stressful. I became very very arrogant, thinking stress couldn't affect me, denying it's existance and helping out others who were knee deep in it. It seems I took a plunge and fell head first into a nice deep pool of stress. I hate admitting this, I hate this feeling that I am not invincible. For so long I was "invincible" to this, I felt like superman. I know I have physical weaknesses, and mental weaknesses, but I thought maybe that I couldn't be affected by such a huge thing to so many people. My pride has taken many blows in the past, but I think this one hurt the most: having one of my dear friends tell me I can't be superman all the time. I want to be superman, I want to just fly above all my problems, and take a detour, but for some odd reason I let little things get to me. I feel like everything in my life has snapped. I have been so stressed out that I become enraged by stupid little things. I've become a prick to many people and I don't even feel bad anymore. My naivity got the best of me, and I just believe everything. I feel like a hungry fish looking for food while the fisherman's bait is just dangling there for me to bite. Of course I bite...I'm so naive and I always give people the benefit of the doubt, no matter what. So many things swamped me at once that I just couldn't handle it. The wave was to big for me to endure, and I got pushed back and submerged. It's so funny, how cocky I was. I believed I could beat it, I honestly thought I was superman. For about a month now I've been denying it's existance. I denied that I was in too deep, that I might actually need help. In fact, I thought I was concealing it really well, until I apologized for being a prick to one of my friends and she tells me that it's alright because I was really stressed out. Now how in the world would someone who I haven't talked to very much since 2 weeks ago see through me like glass? It was definetly a reality check, and it left me feeling very vulnerable. I just want to shut the world out until I can handle everything myself, but I think I've seen the light. Why am I stressed out? Because I thought I could handle it on my own, I thought I could be independent, but of course I was wrong. I believe that all of this happened for a reason. To be honest, I've been so far from God lately, and it's really evident. I've become a person who has become empty on the inside, who can only get moments of happyness, where as before I was happy all the time. God has become a distant shadow from my life for the past 2 weeks, and I think this is his way for me to come back to him. I was growing so independent, I thought I could do anything by myself and succeed. How arrogant was I? God used the one area I knew I could handle and laughed, then swamped me with a tidal wave. Am I bitter? Do I resent my Lord now? Heck no! At first I was confused, I didn't know what was going on. I became silent, and yes I did begin to make myself distant from God, but that's not what is supposed to happen. I thought I had it all, I thought I could succeed in life without my Father, but in one moment my life was turned upside down. I need to become DEPENDENT on my LORD. We all do. We can't go through our life thinking to succeed because we can persuade people or because we're loners. Success comes with dependence, not on friends or family, but on the Father. If you give everything to him, make yourself vulnerable to Him and He will do SO much more than you could do on your own. Vulnerability creates open-ness, and this new open-ness brings so many oppurtunities to succeed and be the real man or woman God has called you to be. For times like these, stressed out times, you just have to give yourself up. As horrible as that sounds it's what is needed to do. I have to suck my pride up so much when saying this, when admitting that I can't do anything alone, that God is my guide, and I am just the tourist who doesn't know where to go. I thought my life was going pretty well, and in a matter of a month I think something totally different. I felt like a pro-camper who didn't need anything but the clothes on his back, but in reality I needed the 100 pound backpack with all the supplies. I became so stressed out, so down and beaten up that I became angry towards everything, even my best friends. I snapped, I couldn't handle anything anymore, I still can't. I'm still stressed out, I still have a very short fuse, but I see the light now. I've got a place to run after now, and I feel like my burden is being lifted. Open yourself to the Lord. Become VULNERABLE to Him and he can and will do so much more for your life. Living an independent life will be fun at first, heck I was having a great time, but it all has to crash sometimes. I'm glad I realized all this at the age of 17. Sure I might not be able to grasp the whole concept of this, but I do know that I can't do anything alone, I can't be the man that God wants me to be when I'm running around thinking I am superman. Vulnerability leads to open-ness which leads to closeness with God. I'm so glad that I was given this oppurtunity to understand what I have to do. Even when I feel like I'm on my own and my burden is heavy, Jesus still says, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:29-30 NIV) in the matter of an instant God can change anything. He can make a clear sky cloudy and stormy. In these instances when your life gets cloudy and stormy you must embrace God, hold on to him like a life-saver and know that He WILL see you through whatever is planned.

That's all I have to say. My life still isn't perfect, and I'm still stressed out, but I now see the light, I'm not running around blindly. I have a direction to run, and I'M SPRINTING to it. Sorry if this was long, but my mind just started thinking, and I just started typing. I guess that's my sermon for this Wendesday, even though I chose not to speak at church. I think this was all that I have to say for the night, but those were just my thoughts. I don't know what else to say except to always be dependent on the Lord like you are dependent on water to live! Goodnight.

...I'm not going to let something so simple get into my life and ruin it. My friends are too important to me.

Life is so odd. You are born into this world crying, you grow up and experience what pain, death, love, life, and happiness is and then you leave the world. Just when you think you have it figured out you just close your eyes on this earth forever. For many of us, death is just another stage of life...you die and then you open your eyes and you're either in heaven or hell...I believe this entirely, and I believe that God exists. My mind has been sporadic today, it's been an odd day. I went from being the happiest I've ever been in a while to the saddest point I've ever reached. I just think I need to write this all off, to get it off my chest...it just feels so much better when I write or tell anyone...like someone is maybe listening and caring about me...I think I could write forever, but then I'd probably run out of words to say...I've had the highest and lowest extremes ever today...being almost the happiest I've been in forever to being so sad that I couldn't stop crying. Death is so weird...this life is so weird...and I can't get over that fact. I can't get over the fact that something you love so much in this world can be taken from you in an instance...it felt abandoning, but I know it's not. I feel like the deepest part of my heart was just stabbed with a dagger and I can't die, but can only feel the pain. It's odd...once you experience a feeling like this everything else becomes numb...you hear the words, you understand everything, but you just go numb. I mean, you can laugh and smile and feel happy, but your mind just keeps going back to that point, it keeps repeating those words and your brain just has to process the information. So many thoughts race through your head, what if they're joking...why did this happen, this is a lie! it can't be true! I let these thoughts run through my head before I left my house...where I accepted the fact that all this was true. I feel so stupid writing about this, I mean I feel so ashamed. My friends have gone through so much more, and the second death enters through a pet I lose it. I feel selfish and stupid at the fact that I'm typing this up right now. I feel so ashamed that I have to write this, because my friends have been through so much more and ended their experiences with the best attitude. I can't stand myself sometimes, and I don't like this selfish person absorb who I really am. I went through this whole process in a matter of minutes, how ashamed I am because of what happened...how selfish I feel for typing this up...I don't want any sympathy, I don't want any pity party, but it feels like when I type this then people are just going to say, "aww I'm sorry." I don't want to hear sorry, I just want someone to look me in the eyes and talk to me about this. I want to talk, I don't want to just sit there and stare awkwardly at the ground as I tell people about what happened, that's not supposed to happen! I realize I'll laugh again, I realize I'll be happy again and I realize I'll be a stronger person through all this, but then why am I writing this? Why do I feel the need to type this up and explain to the 4 people who read it what I feel like right now...I hate my brain and I hate how it works...I feel all over the place at the moment, I can't even keep a thought in my head for more than a minute. Death is just a part of life...you can't escape death, no one can, it's inevitable...so why do I let it get to me? Why do I sit here and mourn for a dead pet when I should be letting it go and realizing it was just an accident and realizing that's life...I JUST NEED TO GET OVER THIS. I don't want to sit here and cry and weep because I lost a pet. I loved my cat, I really did, but crying and mourning won't bring her back. She's gone, it was her time, she needed to go, it's better now...Sure I feel a little emptpy, a little alone, but it's time to turn outward and upward for my help. I can't stop looking out for myself and I can't do anything alone anymore. It's time I just trust in God and let him do his work through me...Death will come and go, but as long as I'm with Him, I can do anything...


that's all I can think of right now...I seriously don't have any more thought capacity nor words to explain anything else...what's done is done and I can't feel sad or happy...it's over.

Have you ever felt that urge to leave and never come back? To just pack a bag full of clothes, hop in your car with some money and move? I feel like I'm being slowly squeezed on all sides by a box. This box is called Georgia life. I find this area dull and boring, so wrapped up in it's "southern culture" that it's too busy to lean back, relax, and let things go as they should. Lately I've been imagining some sort of box slowly closing me in, and it's making me anxious. I don't want to be here, I don't want to live around here. I HATE this place, but I don't know why. It's a lovely place, awesome people, awesome geographically, awesome to just drive around and see, but I can't stand it. I've been living in this state for 17 years, and I want to SEE something different, I want to experience something new. Redundancy is unnerving-I can't stand it and I don't want anything to do with it, yet I can't do anything because I can't support myself. My imagination is flying with places I could go, new people I could meet, new experiences along the way, but I'm only a 17 year old boy doomed to another 6-7 years in this state. Leaving has been on my mind for so long now. The baby stage of my life is older now, I want to be responsible for myself, I want to experience all these neat things as an adult. I'm ready to leave and I'm yearning to get out of here. I don't know where I want to go, but the North is too fast for me, the midwest is too dull for me, and the south is too slow for me. That leaves the West...California, Washington, Montana...only California appeals to me right now. As a boy who let's his imagination run wild, I feel California would be awesome. Sitting in the sand looking at the vast expanse of the Pacific Ocean while behind me seagulls settle in a palm tree and people relax at a pier. That's what I think of when I picture California in my head. Something new ALWAYS happens, you're not stuck on a schedule of waking up, taking a shower, calling friends to see what you're doing today. I imagine California as a spontaneous place, and I love that feeling of doing WHATEVER. I HATE redundancy with a passion, I don't want to live my life like some sort of robot anymore, I want to be random, spontaneous, and free. I feel like I'm a caged bird who hasn't flown in years, looking out the window and yearning to feel the air on his face. I've been living like this for a while, and all this time I've been biting my lip. I don't want to go to a high school that has no focus on anything, nor any school spirit. I don't want to work at a job where everyone complains and desires closing time, and I don't want to live a life where I'm stuck in a routine schedule...I hate routine and I hate following routine. I want to relax somewhere that I never knew existed before, laying on the ground and watching the sky go by, not sit and take orders at a cash register. I feel like this stage of my life is ending, and another one is beggining...but how can I be ending this stage when I'm not independent. I rely on my family to keep me safe and secure. I can't even support myself, so how come I feel that I'm ready to move on with my life when I can't even support myself? Why would I tease myself into believing I can do something that I know I can't. I suppose it's that teenage desire to get out of the house, or better yet, leave and start my own family. I'm restless at best, an ADD child who doesn't have his medicine really. This is just the tip of the iceburg with my thoughts right now, everything is moving so fast right now that I think of two ideas before I finish a sentence. All I know is that I feel a calling to go somewhere, anywhere, just to get out of this cage that I've made my home for 17 years...

Well I'll make it short and sweet...I just got back from Orlando 3 days ago and I've been working basically ever since...I got my license on the 25th and am a driving FIEND now hehe...I am having a good spring break and it's a good break from school...just 6 more weeks and we're done...and then I become the "almighty senior." fun stuff...well I'm out of here, gonna watch the thunderstorms roll in and pray nothing happens (I'm freaking out as usual.)

Well to start off, school has been extremely easy this semester. I don't know what happened, but it's just like everything revolving around school just got so simple. My hardest class would be Algebra 2, just because of all the arithmatic and what-not, but other than that every other subject is fairly simple. Today has definetly been one of the best days of my entire life. I'll start from the beggining. I woke up at 6:00 to my alarm clocks, took a shower and got dressed and went out with my mom and sister for a birthday breakfast. It was pretty cool, I got to enjoy pancakes at 7:00 in the morning, something I haven't done in a while. After that Kellie took me to school and I was going to run a mile in the gym, but no one was there to unlock the lockers, so I just walked around. In the midst of my walking journey I ran into stephanie, who was holding a plate with a cupcake and a candle in it. I was like WOAH HEY! and she was like HEY! and gave me the cupcake and a really cool plate (hehe). After that Steph and I hung out in coach Herron's room and watched some of girl fight's behind-the-scene action. I noticed it was 8:10 and I had to go to the library to do something important. Needless to say it was a pretty nerve-racking, as I asked a really cool girl to prom. SHE SAID YES...SWEET! My heart was racing as I was walking to homeroom, but I had the biggest smile on my face and I was so happy lol...I walk in homeroom and all my homeroom buddies are there wishing me a happy birthday and I gave them some cake (that Kim slaved over, also it was very good!). After that Beef came and I decided to anchor with an irish accent. That's is the second most nerve-racking thing I've ever done hahah. After that the rest of the day pretty much flew by until after school. I went out to eat with a bunch of people at steak and shake and had a really good time, then came home. I was shocked. I couldn't believe it. Standing in my drive-way was a 94 toyota camry with baloons and a big red bow on top. I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY! I was so happy, I fiddled with it for like 20 minutes and drove it around! After that we went out to eat at Outback and I really couldn't eat anymore food, I'd been stuffed since lunch. From there Kellie and I took Matt home and hung out at his apartment for 20-30 minutes. I was introduced to an awesome game, it's called beer pong (except I'm renaming it coke/sprite pong). You take a ping-pong ball and try to get it into your opponents cup across the table and if you make it they have to drink what's in it (for me it'll be coke). My brother and I played against two of his friends and needless to say the Ward boys beat them to a pulp. (Don't worry, I didn't drink and I made Matt drink all the ones that I was "supposed" to drink...oh well, I think I'll stick with drinking alcohol when I'm of legal age to do so). Kellie and I then went home and I was hanging out at my computer when Evan came in. He was coming up the stairs and fell hahah...then we went outside and checked out my sexy car! I think this is a start to a beautiful relationship with my car and myself! March 17th, 2006, the best birthday so far! In 8 days I'll be taking my test to get my license, so wish me luck! I'm going to bed, it's been a LOOONG but AMAZING day.
Enjoy reading this long post hahaha...cya (I probably won't write back until like 2 more months =D.)

Hrm interesting week. I had been complaining about my eyesight lately, turns out I need glasses...hooray? My eyes are dialated right now and I can barely see a thing, but it's making me laugh...anyways, my day was good, I did nothing in all of my classes and that made it fun. This week has been boring, but I got an A on my Driver's Ed test...haha rock on!I love short days, they are really fun...and short! Anywho this week needs to end, I have my SATS on saturday and I need to study. I'm nervous I'm gonna get absolutely crushed by them...but hey, KSU will take anything between like 1000-1600 and I'm SURE I can get that...=). I think I'm done updating this peice....it's been like what, 1-2 months since I updated? haha sweet...
P.S.
I have pictures of my pimpin glasses and my sweet pupil...for people going to church tonight, you'll see it...but people who aren't...tehe...anyways



and
You can notice in this picture that there is little to no blue and it's just a black abyss....=/

So today was interesting...I got to stay home and work on my project. That was the most frustrating thing of my life, I never want to do that again....I spent 8 or so hours finishing it, and I have to say, it doesn't look as well as I'd like it to. So I think I'm done with my little "skater-ish" look. Ratty t-shirts and a hoody all day is cool and all, but I dunno...it's just time for a change. I'm not gonna go all into the weird gay preppy thing, I'm just going to dress a little nicer every now and then, nothing wrong with boosting self image, is there? Kellie is back in town...it's so weird, it feels like it's been months since I've seen her and it's only been like 2 weeks maybe maximum. Church was fun tonight...and afterwards Kellie and I went to the mall where I got this sweet jacket, then we went to varsity....mmmm it was sooo good! Tomorrow is thursday, I'm kinda dreading going back to school...sucks don't it? Ah oh well, I'm gonna have to go back sometime...anyway I'm done with this...ADD calls! I'm off!

Today was possibly the most eventful day of the schoolyear. We did abso-freaking-lutely nothing because of my writing exam. It was the best day ever! After school ended, I went to First priority. It was pretty good, very uh comically induced message...After that, Evan Bailey and I went to the mega-conglomerate known as Brandsmart...let's just say I was blown away by that place...they had a wall FULL of digital cameras on display...it was awesome! after that, We all drove (and by drove, I meant Bailey drove me) to family christian bookstore where Evan got 2, count them, 2 cds...he was on a shopping spree, too bad he'll never buy anything for the rest of the year...heh. After that, Evan dispersed and Bailey was taking me home, so I was like BAILEY, couldn't you get your IPOD now? He looks at me...and so he pull into Quick Trip to talk to his dad and get his money so he can get a sweet new ipod. I took the oppurtunity to get a 32 oz. thing of Pepsi...Then Bailey is pulling out of QT and is like, you know what I want...Some red Bull...since we had to wait on his dad with the money, we decided to go to Publix on Bells Ferry and get something to drink. At the time, we had NO clue what we were getting into...We go down the beverage isle, looking for something to quench our man-thirsts...Nothing is there, so keep walking...well low and behold, there are bottles of Bawls sitting on a shelf for 1.60. We shoot glances at each other and pick the bottle up. This was the first time we ever even thought about drinking bawls, but we bought them anyways. As we walk outside, Bailey calls jimdaylou and tells him about our discovery for a buck 61...We open it up and take a sip...to be honest, it was a pretty good drink. I like the bottle though...anyways, so Bailey gets the money from his dad and we are off, again. BUT WAIT. Bailey forgot his extra money at home, so we cut down hawkins store road onto canton and eventually get to his house. He grabs the money and we head out. The second we get to jamerson, we see a long line of cars, so I was like, "BAILEY CUT THROUGH WILLOW CREEK. I KNOW A WAY TO GET TO 92!" So we get to 92, only to realize that Jamerson probably would be quicker...heh, the scenic route is always the best, eh? Anyways we get to best buy like 20 minutes later only to wait for like 10 minutes for the guy working the ipod section. They have nothing...so we go over to circuit city and bailey finds a 30g Ipod photo, for what he thought was like $285. Rohan is working, so he checks and it's $310...Rohan tells us to chill for a few minutes, so Bailey and I decided to play some mario baseball...I totally slaughtered him 0-0...I beat him in hits though, so I win. Back to the good part, Bailey is forced with a decision...I think he made the right one. Right now I can only imagine him sitting at home on his computer fiddling with his new ipod trying to get linux to work so he can watch videos....and thus, my long story of the day is done...one of the best days I've had in a long time...lots of laughing involved...=D

You are a Social Moderate (41% permissive) and an... Economic Moderate (41% permissive) You are best described as a: Centrist Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid

not surprising....

In other news, sweet new icon thanks to daniel <3. I'm bored...First priority was good today, I enjoyed it

I have downloaded 3 of the incubus cds, I forgot how good they were, especially Morning view...dang that's a good album =). anywho, school has just about drained me of every ounce of energy I have...and it's getting bad when you almost fall asleep when you're reading a book...in 6th period. Bah, I should go work on my project that's due in November, that'll give me something to do! This Friday I am going over to my friend, Leigh's house, for a party...hopefully it'll be just like the old days, or I'll be sad....anyways, this is enough of an entry....I'll leave you with a good song for today

Echo

There's something about the look in your eyes
Something I noticed when the light was just right
It reminded me twice that I was alive
And it reminded me that you're so worth the fight
My biggest fear will be the rescue of me
Strange how it turns out that way
Could you show me dear...something I've not seen?
Something infinitely interesting
There's something about the way you move
I see your mouth in slow motion when you sing
More subtle than something, someone contrives
Your movements echo that I have seen the real thing
Your biggest fear will be the rescue of you
Strange how it turns out that way
Could you show me dear...something I've not seen?
Something infinitely interesting


Goodnight everyone....have a good day at school tomorrow

School has started, well dur you guys all know that...everyone should applaud for me, I did my homework for once, all 7 assignments muahahahah. I have had 3 tests so far, and I have 1 more before I'm done. Wish me luck people, I'm gonna DIE. I'm having fun with school at the moment, nothing really bringing me down, but then again I'm slacking like no other...I'm so bored now-a-days, but I'll live...I don't know what else to put...oh yah I started Jui Jitsu (Jew [hehe] Jit-su) on Monday and it's pretty fun....time to get in shape MUAHAHAH....=D

ADEOULU GETS BACK TOMORROW YAY!!! Anyways...I thought it was tuesday, but it's not...so I'm a little sad...anyways again, I downloaded the new deathcab cd...it's not bad, I'm missing a few songs though =/. I have to say, school drains you very quickly...so how many days left until the end? =P. Bah long day...I'm stuttering...Weekend needs to come....fast...

I have no clue what to think. I'm excited that I get to see all of my friends whom I haven't seen all summer, yet I'm sad because summer is ending. The only reason I actually want school to start is when I get extremely bored and there's nothing to do...(which is like everyday from 3-6) so I have no clue what I'm going to do. Oh yah, I quit my job on sunday...I'm going to try and find a better place like publix, target, the movie theatres...ect, and if that doesn't work, I can always fall back to the marble slab. Meh, I sometimes regret even getting that job....so many missed oppurtunities with the gang...always having to work...but hey, it got me out of my dad's house a couple of times =). Alright, I'm done...enjoy...

P.S.
Adeolu, when you get back I want to go to online dot com...my brother gave me a 4 free hour thing on the computer, so I think a saturday spent there will be good for me =P

I got a 3 on my ap Us test! Yay....I thought I was a goner for sure...w00t I'm happy, so Bailey, Evan, Adeolu, we doing anything tonight?

Sure has been a good summer, hasn't it? Life is pretty good....been hanging out with my friends non-stop and it's been awesome! No more halo...I'm done with that crap....it feels good, but I dunno what to do with all this free time! Today we played volleyball for 3 hours. Needless to say it was amazing...it was just so much fun to kinda goof off and play at the same time. We headed out to wendy's after that and I think we made Gari uncomfortable. We were having an argument (like 5 minutes) of pre-destination vs free will. 3 on 1 gang-up, free will won this round =P. I think I saw something click between Linsey and Mr. gentry. They're both smart, and they just seem perfect for each other. Oh well, that's just my opinion. Ok I'm out!

WOOOHOO, this week has been kicking! Monday- NOTHING, watched a movie at adeolu's...I think...(Lost track of the days) After that we had tuesday....good old tuesday. Leadership meeting followed up by lunch, then painting. I ate a meatball sub...never again...NEVER AGAIN. Anyways we painted the youth building, well some of it. We tidied up and 4 hours later, it looked bare...very bare. So we decided to just go watch a movie afterwards. Fight club it was, word. Anyways after that we were going home and bailey's windsheild wiper was acting gay and stopped working. Cue the freaking out. Yep, I was scared...I'll admit it. It's so weird when you can't see the road, but somehow manage to get to a friend's house. We spent the night at Evan's house and it was nice. I was trying to think up ways of how to get my brother back...it was funny. Then today (wednesday for those slower ones) we (Bailey, Evan, Adeolu, and of course...myself) went to the youth building to clean up the place/paint the ceilings....I think I got a bit light-headed hahah. After that, we found some expired coke <3. We definetly shook them up and threw em off the back stairs...hooorah! It was awesome...then Adeolu's car stopped working, so we had to push him...stupid stupid 16 year old hondas. Wow now I'm home, and I'm tired...I think I might nap...nah!

New cell phone...call me sometime!!!! (404) 630 5094...easy number to memorize...hoorah!